“On Walking Backwards”

My mother forbade us to walk backwards. That is how the dead walk, she would say. Where did she get this idea? Perhaps from a bad translation. The dead, after all, do not walk backwards but they do walk behind us. They have no lungs and cannot call out but would love for us to turn around. They are victims of love, many of them.

~Anne Carson, “On Walking Backwards”

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You may be asking yourself: Why include this in your blog? To me, it’s a constant reminder that the inability to speak up makes people similar to death. Women especially.

To me, anyone should be allowed to say what they wish. Regardless of consequence or others’ opinions, what people want out of love or relationships should be addressed.

For me, I realized I needed to practice what I preach. I mean, hey, we accommodate, we cater and “yes” things to death, but why bother if we’re unhappy too?

“Love is a many splendored thing”, but why are we always afraid to speak up?

One word: rejection.

In the 1960s, the idea of “free love” meant without rules, without restrictions, without fear of your partner (or partners… remember that monogamy was a lame idea!). Now, we walk around with our guards up, being afraid to say: “let’s try that new Asian-fusion restaurant”, “we should act out our fantasies”, or “missionary is boring”.

I have been dating the same person for the past few years (I know, young, stupid and in love… I’m happy at this point, deal). We are comfortable with each other… sometimes maybe too comfortable. I wouldn’t suggest doing things new because sometimes the comfort zone you build gets just that… comfortable. There were a few points in time when I honestly thought he would find me boring. And when we started seeing less and less of each other because of scheduling conflicts, whose friends from home were in town, etc., it hit me: if you want to change something, you can’t be part of a revolution if you are unwilling to evolve too.

I did something I never thought a brazen person like myself would do: I pleaded my case before my boyfriend. There were things that were grinding my gears, i.e. us not hanging out as much as he did with his friends (one of my prime deal breakers), not taking me out to places (I like to bowl and play pool… I’m not asking to go to the Met for an exhibit).

When things progressed and improved, it dawned on me that prior to my “state of distress” I made the classic mistake most females do: I thought my boyfriend was a mindreader. Surprise! He’s not. He knows things that I like, love and downright hate (football… I don’t understand the point and no, I don’t plan on learning appreciate it. But give me Johnny Depp on a field and let him tackle me… football will have a totally different meaning ).

So practicing what we preach is easier said than done. But it could’ve been worse– I could be sitting on a couch eating food I don’t like, watching a six-hour football game between two teams I know nothing about.

~Allison